It’s the first day of school for my kids!
T minus five days until I am routinely stumped by second grade math homework. Fourth grade assistance might require a stunt double, industrial-sized margaritas, or some sort of intervention. It will definitely demand an extra long trip to the mailbox to binge on Google Common Core tutorials to save face.
Ah, yes, please excuse me while I savor this Mommymoon, the sweet spot between summer vacation and school strangulation. Today, I look like I’ve got it goin’ on. Break out the nerd glasses you thought you’d never use again; it’s another (school style) solar eclipse up in here!
Seriously, it won’t be long before my kids have to tuck and roll out of the car for school drop-off. They will have approximately 17 seconds to Usain Bolt it to the door before it automatically shuts in their face. I orchestrated some stealth sprint training in the spirit of summer (think beach fun) and invested in quality sneakers to ensure they’re up to snuff this year. Those pesky tardy notes are only for car-to-school nail biters–the races that are simply too close to call. If too many pile up, some trips to the gym for more timed sprints will undoubtedly be in order.
Anyway, let’s get back to how well I represent the Mommy ‘hood today.
Did you know my kid wants to be superhero when he grows up? (He’s well aware his mom often needs saving. Can Mathman replace Batman in his fantasy career aspirations?). If you want to learn more about my son and bonus son, you can read all about them on their obligatory first day of school signs. Their bleary-eyed Mom and Dad were up until 3:00 a.m., respectively, making them. We both earned a Master’s in Procrastination (summa cum laude, bitches), but the kids were none the wiser. Their cheery parents were there to greet them with customized, colorful signs and enthusiastic “We are so proud of you!” smiles this morning. (We temporarily morph into the Cleavers when we rock the sleep deprived stupor.)
The children were freshly groomed. There were no epic battles gelling newly shorn hair. I jumped out of bed extra early to spruce myself up so there was plenty of time to tap into my inner barber. As an added bonus, I purchased $15 hair glue that resists the temptation to transition into Elmer’s by 3:00 p.m. This stuff blends right in–no chunky, white, Jurassic Park level dandruff flakes await me after school today.
A television-free breakfast was served, complete with vitamins derived from whole fruits and vegetables on the side. There was no pleading, bribing, or threatening to take the Xbox away to avoid a food fight. Hell, homemade, nutrient-rich lunches were prepared during the aforementioned drama-free breakfast. I selected the snacks to pack the night before, so it was easy-peasy, my friends.
Backpacks were brand spanking new– free of renegade creases, suspect stains, and kids secretly snickering at the school banned items stuffed in unseen pouches.
Outfits were on point. My Under Armour credit card bill will attest to this fact.
Truth be told, I even sent an email inquiring about volunteer opportunities at the school as my son brushed his teeth. (Who the hell am I?) It wasn’t a holy-shit-we-are-running-late tooth brushing, either. It was one our dentist would be proud of. (When my son smiled at me on the way into class, I could hear the “ding” in my head.)
The kids gave each other fist bumps. They wished each other wonderful first days. They even hugged, and not in a choke hold type of way. There were no WWE smackdowns or passive-aggressive put-downs. All love, baby. All love.
So, give me today. Next week I will don battle gear to get my son to eat a freaking grape for breakfast. I will endure endless “You’re the worst mom in the world” and “You’re not my mother” rants. I will question my IQ, my sanity, my self worth. I will give myself an F for forgetting a folder.
It’s all coming.
I will rapid-fire swear under my breath when I realize my car is running on fumes as I put the key in the ignition to take them to school. I will click my heels three times and pray that I get there for their sprint because I will never have time to stop for gas.
I will referee BS boy battles for a toy neither of them cares about or plays with until the other one randomly puts it in his backpack. I will wonder time and time again if I am a good mom and bonus mom. I will long for my deceased mom’s voice, for her to tell me that I am doing alright, to hang in there. This is what lies ahead for me.
But today? Today is an A-plus.
Happy school year, everyone!
